13 September 2016
Greetings and welcome to the Butterfly Blog once again.
So in the last blog I told you about the first time I overcome a period of intense cravings without using. However the tale does not end there as two days later my “friend” A was back on the phone to me offering to bring the free skunk around to me and I'm sorry to say I caved in and accepted his offer. This lead to four days of using. However this period of using was very different for me as I was super aware of the negative impact the drug was having on me. It was like the words that my Peer Support Worker (PSW) had said to me two days earlier about the negative consequences of my using were ringing in my ears the whole time. I do not want to focus on the relapse but what I learned from it, what finally hit home.
There's been a lot of resistance in me towards fully accepting my true condition as an addict and totally immersing myself into my recovery. Hence my slip ups over the last three months. The last slip I had was 10 days ago and I feel it may well be the last I have. As an addict I can not say I will never use again but the way I feel at the moment I do not want to use anymore. I feel I have turned a corner and reached a new level of acceptance and surrender. I am allowing myself to be as I am, to be vulnerable and raw. I'm letting people from the living room in to a deeper degree. I'm accepting my feelings whatever they may be and not using emotional pain as an excuse to use. I'm not fighting myself or the reality of my situation anymore instead I am fighting for myself. I now feel totally powerless over my addiction and I know that the addiction makes my life unmanageable. Sometimes it is difficult to put an experience into words. All I can say is that for years I have been suffering but I have also been piling additional layers of suffering onto the original suffering because I have been fighting the experience rather than accepting it and allowing it to be.
So the process of healing can now truly begin. All the hurts of my past that I've never dealt with can be processed, those wounds can be cleaned out and then they will heal up, I am now in a process of making myself well. It's about letting go and moving on. So my recovery journey truly begins now.